i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you told grandpa to call you daddy
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
