If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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