Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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