She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
