Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
