remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
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He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
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This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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