You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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