My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
