It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
