god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
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who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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