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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
