There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
