Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
