Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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