Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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