ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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