New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
