R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
