Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
