Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
