I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
