come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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