nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
