So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
