i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
