did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
