Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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