morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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