she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
