You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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