Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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