He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i think my cat just said my name.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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