he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
