Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
