My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That accounts for only three of the penises
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
