I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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