shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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