So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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