Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
