evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
birth control should be required to get into college
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
