Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
and you fell through a lawn chair
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
