he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
