its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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