my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like iHOP with fire
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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