I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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