dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
