look no pants
Don't make out with my wife yet
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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