Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I need a burrito and a hug.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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