So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
