at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
