my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
