ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
