Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
