god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
