DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize