I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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