I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
